When the Relief is Greater than the Fear
I’m a jump without a net kinda woman. People often think I’m crazy when I do the things I do, but they also tend to think I’m brave and daring. What they never notice is my absolute terror, feelings of panic creeping up, and massive insecurity. But something deeper occurs when I can predict that the resulting relief will be worth the difficult choice to jump.
Let me give you an example of the type of thing I’m talking about. I was 40 years old when I decided to dissolve my marriage. My children were 4 and 8 years old. I had given up my earning and professional growth potential the very day my oldest was born. I spent 8 years raising children, homeschooling them, working at being the best mom I knew how to be, working odd jobs from home in order to bring in a little bit of income, hosting play date after play date, doing lots of laundry, spending half my life in the kitchen, digging legos and toy cars out of shit-filled toilets, and doing not-much for myself. However, the most relevant piece here is that my professional skills were stunted (maybe nonexistent).
After 2 years of should-we-split-up-no-let’s-keep-trying, I finally decided to leave. There was no visible net waiting for me. I had no job and no skill set that would get me a job I actually wanted, and most importantly, I was homeschooling my kids, and I wasn’t willing to discontinue unless it was what they wanted. I can’t tell you how often I heard the trying-to-be helpful-but-not-at-all-helpful unsolicited advice of, “You’ll need to get a job” and “You’ll have to send the kids to school.” (I promise to not give you unsolicited advice - it’s one of the most unhelpful things I could ever do to you.) And to be honest, I was terrified that I would have to do those very things; yet, I was determined to see if I could not. I trusted that a net would magically appear because I really really really needed it to.
But here’s the thing: I also remembered that nets are constantly appearing for me - I just never really gave it much thought until then. Things always seem to work out. Maybe it’s magic - maybe I am magic. Or maybe it’s just the way shit goes for me in this life. In the end, all that matters is that I have invisible nets under me all the time, just waiting for the next crazy ass (and inevitable) jump.
Needless to say, I jumped out of my marriage and the net appeared. I would be lying if I said it were easy. On the contrary, it was hard as hell, and I had to talk myself out of panic on a regular basis. (Thank goodness for close friends who are good at anti-panic support talk.) However, the relief in having made a very difficult decision was far greater than the fear.
And that, my lovely people, is the lesson here. Life can be scary. At the very least, it’s unpredictable because what we can guarantee is the absolute impermanence of all things. But we have to ask ourselves some very important questions: Is it scarier to keep doing what I’m doing that hasn’t really worked out so far, or is it scarier to walk into an unknown realm where maybe, just maybe, it will look and feel better? Do I remain in the humdrum underlying buzz of what I’m familiar with, or do I try something new? Do I keep waking up each morning to that lurking, yet numb and hollow, feeling of dread, or do I stop telling myself stories of how moving forward and out won’t work? Do I settle for meh or do I believe in possibilities?
Will the simple act of making a decision and taking a leap of faith give me a relief that is greater than my fear?
What questions might you ask yourself?
